How Do I Measure Up?

I love facebook.

I hate facebook.

I really do have a love/hate relationship with facebook.

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE  facebook because it allows me to stay connected with friends and family all over the country.  I mean, seriously...How cool is it that I know what's going on with friends and family near and far even though we don't see each other that much?  Friends from Mobile, Slidell, Atlanta, Tulsa, etc...  Facebook is a great tool for keeping up with the ones we love.

On the flip side, facebook can make me feel pretty rotten about myself too.

 Want to feel like a bad mother, bad wife, terrible cook, etc...?  Just read your facebook feed.  You are guaranteed to see a picture of someone's highly nutritious, paleo meal that they prepared from the fresh picked vegetables in their organic garden out back.  And their entire family all sat down together at 6:00pm to eat the highly nutritious dinner, while swapping stories about their day.  You, on the other hand, just ordered a pizza from Papa John's for your family because your husband is running late from work, you are finishing up some work yourself, one kid has a science project due tomorrow, and the other has math homework that you are trying to figure out.  Do the olives on the pizza count as a veggie for the day? I hope so because that's probably the only veggie my kids saw for the day.  #momfail

Or, are you feeling guilty about ignoring the laundry, dusty furniture, or dishes in the sink?  Did you choose catching up on your favorite TV show instead of doing housework?  Take a look at facebook and you are sure to see someone's check list completely checked off.  It will probably look something like this..."Kitchen clean...check, Bathrooms clean...check, floors mopped and vacuumed....check, furniture dusted....check, sheets washed....check, laundry done and put away.....check, windows clean....check, dinner ready to pop in the oven....check, check, check, check...".  Blah, blah, blah.  Nothing like making you feel like a real winner, hu?  #thereisalwaystomorrow

Or, there's the friend that just uploaded pictures from their fabulous vacation in Hawaii.  You were thinking about loading your pictures from your weekend trip to The Great Wolf Lodge, but that doesn't sound very interesting after seeing your friend posing for pictures in front of beautiful beaches and volcanoes, while drinking fancy drinks from pineapples with umbrellas.  #ihateflyinganyway

Or, what about the Pinterest inspired party thrower?  Your very talented friend managed to make their child's Minecraft cake from scratch and it totally knocked the socks off of everyone at the party!  She even pulled an all nighter and hand made all of the party decorations and party favors herself.  Meanwhile, you ordered your child's cake from Walmart and picked up some plates and napkins that sort of match the party theme.  It's pretty close.  It'll do.   #doesntmeanilovemykidanyless

Then, there's the  friend with the brand new car (not a van), a CAR, new house, name brand purse, shoes, etc...  Meanwhile, you just left Target and loaded the kids up in your reliable, green "mom mobile", brushing off some cracker crumbs in the seat before sitting down.  #atleastitispaidfor

Then, there's the exercise freak of nature.  This one really gets to me.  You know who I'm talking about. The one who posts a picture of her handful of almonds and apple she ate for breakfast, followed by her 4 pieces of kale she had for lunch, and she's so full!  (Vomit!) And to top it off, she ran 10 miles this morning, did 100 push-ups, 100 sit-ups, and still had energy left to clean out her shiny, new car.  And according to her Nike app post, she felt "fantastic" afterwards.  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  You enjoy your kale chips while I eat my burger.  #inserteyeroll

Oh, and one of my favorites is the "my kid is better than your kid'' mom!  Little Suzie has won yet another award!  If you are keeping track, that's the honor role for the 3rd rime, lead role in the school play, class president, voted "most likely to succeed" and Prom Queen all in the same week.  Their kid is so great, they even have a bumper sticker on the back of their car to prove it!  ;)  #mykidisprettyawesometoo  #idontneedabumperstickertoproveit

I'm happy for you.

I am.

No, really.  I am.

Or, am I?

The list goes on and on.  It can be fun to read these things about our friends and family, but it can be very depressing too.  It can make you feel like the most inadequate, slacker mom, or wife, on the planet. I think the hardest part is watching others be happy, when you are at a "not so happy" time in your life.  You watch others attend parties, go out with friends, excel at this and that, set goals and see them through, etc..., but you are at home vacuuming again (because what else have you got to do?).  Or, going to Walmart for the 3rd time this week, because again, what else have you got to do?

I confess that lately, facebook has really been a "Debbie Downer" for me.  I feel like I have been removed from the life I once lived, and now I get to watch it continue on before my eyes...only without me a part of it. I feel like everyone has moved on without us.  And, they have.  That's what you are supposed do, right? But, I must admit that watching it from afar is painful.  It's a very lonely feeling.

Moving is hard.

Making a new life for yourself is hard.

Watching other's go on without you is hard.

I got to spend some time with some of my friends in Tulsa a couple of weekends ago.  It was just for a couple of hours. As we normally do, we talked and talked and talked.  Most of the talking was about the upcoming youth weekend at our Church, called Elevate.  Most of my friends were involved with it in some way or another, so they were talking about the upcoming events.  As I listened to them talk, it was almost like we had a glass window separating us.  I was outside, looking in.  I was so sad not to be a part of those plans.  I miss those girls so much.  I miss our church so much.  I miss that life so much.  I seriously wanted to cry.  And I think I did a time or two, or three.

I got to see lots of pictures from Elevate the following weekend, courtesy of  facebook and twitter.  It was great to see pictures of the kids bonding, growing closer to Jesus, and having a great time.  But I couldn't help but think of how Judd would've fit into those pictures.  It made my heart so very sad.

So, while facebook can be a really great tool, it can also cause lots of hurt feelings.  I would even go as far as to say "self inflicted" hurt feelings.  I know it will hurt to see the ones I love living the life I miss being a part of, having fun, etc...., but I still choose to take a peek anyway.  Why do I do that to myself you ask?

That's a great question.

Sigh....

I am considering taking a step away from facebook for awhile.  I need to put all of my energy into my new life in Texas instead of watching others live their lives.  How can I expect to move forward, if I keep longing for the past and what I had before?  How can I expect to make a new life for myself if I am in a constant state of sadness because I am watching our old friends go on with life without us?  It's just too much to bear at times.

So, I am praying about it.  But, I am pretty sure God is leading me in this direction.

I trust you, God.  Direct me.  Guide me.  Lead me.  Use me.  Speak to me.  Help me to focus on the life You have created, and are continually creating, for me.  Help me not compare what I don't have to what others have.  Help me to focus on the here and now and what I can do for YOU.  Help me to accept that YOU brought me to this place for a very specific purpose.  Please show me that purpose, Lord.  Help me to measure up to YOUR STANDARDS, Lord.  For I know that is all that matters.  I am yours, Lord.  Lead me.